Love

When I was four, I knew what love was. It was the man of my life playing house, and building me a big deck to watch the stars. It was a man who drove me to daycare with his bike in the back of his truck, because he couldn't afford the additional fuel to get to work and back. It was one person writing their life around my needs. Love was sweet and beautiful, and completely fulfilling.

When I was twelve, I knew what love was. I saw my mother and my father, and their totally dysfunctional divorce, and their history. Love was two monsters. One always giving, giving, giving. Trying to feed the other, quiet the other, please the other. One was always taking, taking, taking. Trying to win. Trying to have it all. Love was ugly, and it hurt, and nobody won.

When I was seventeen, I knew what love was. Love was the stroke of my cheek. The talk of my beauty. The promises. It was the idea of everything... all that was asked was the gift of one thing. Just my body. That's all. Love was hungry, and without feeding, it would die away.

When I was twenty, I knew what love was. It was a little blue plus sign. It was new life. It was the fear of the unknown, and the hope that everything would be better than I feared. Love was a hand on my ever-growing stomach, not promising to have all the answers, or the cures, but still promising to walk each step beside me.

Now I'm thirty-one, and I know what love is. Love is not the one who smiles when you are happy, it is the one that holds you while you cry. Love is not the ability to give when you have it all, it is the ability to keep giving when you are running on empty. Love is not the big picture, it's the glue that holds all the pieces of that picture together when they're trying their hardest to fall apart. Love is liking someone when they're at their worst... wanting to be near them when you should want to punch them... wanting to hold on when everything inside you is screaming to let go. Love is the whisper in your head to just breathe... just keep going... just keep trying. It's the reason to fight when it all seems hopeless. Love is worth it.