sometimes

sometimes i hold a glass in my hand and have a calm conversation with someone, but the whole time i'm thinking about throwing it at the concrete... thinking about how it would sound when it smashed... thinking about the look on their face, the silence that would follow, and then the questions.

sometimes i am laughing and having a great time, and everything comes over me like a landslide, and i'm still laughing but inside i feel like crying, and you'd never notice except that maybe i will lean against the wall a little so i don't fall to the ground.

sometimes i look at someone and i can't talk to them and they wonder why, but inside i'm wishing that i could slam my fist into their face and watch things break... i'm wondering how hard it would be to make them cry, to push them over the edge, to get back what they have stolen.

sometimes i lay in in bed with my eyes closed and think about 'the secret' and self-fulfilling prophecy, and visualization... and i wonder if i could will myself to stop breathing, to finally rest, to be done with worldly pain.

sometimes these things overcome me and i wallow, and i paint my world black...

but sometimes, a little girl climbs up in my lap, and puts her hand on my tummy and says so quietly you can barely hear her "skin", and lets out an even tinier sigh, like i am saving her. sometimes a little boy sits and watches discovery channel with me, and tells me how incredible science is, and lists off all the amazing things that people have done, and wonders at how they decided to draw, to sing, to light the world up. sometimes the big strong man i love, the one who shoulders everything, pulls me tight against him and tells me that i amaze him. ME. amazing him. and then i breathe a little easier, and i find a way to be glad for every breath again.